The Board of Psychology Finally Ordered our Recommending Mediator to Surrender her License!

This took five years, but it was worth the wait, sort of. I will get to that later, but the news that the BOP took notice of the MANY complaints coming in against this therapist (PsyD and professing catholic, mind you!) was massive!!

If you are experiencing devastation from a therapist, special master, recommending mediator, co-parenting therapist, or evaluator, know that you have options! It may take a long time, but it is worth it. Our recommending mediator ended up being investigated by the State Attorney General after the BOP ordered her to surrender her license in the state of California and, sadly, she was able to bargain her way out of any further court hearings against her (one being my case...yep...another parent's case already had taken her down before mine ever got a chance to be heard in court). That's okay. If she tries to reinstate her license in the state of California, she has to pay $32,000 in fines, which is nothing compared to what she would have to pay in damages to the families she destroyed.

Know that when something like this occurs, the records are made public and other publications may be available. I am including what I can here so you can see what this would look like and how you might go about researching people you are working with and any issues that may need to be reported.

Board of Psychology Complaint forms 

American Psychology Association Complaint forms

Dr. Belinda Jo Lopes: Family Court Child Custody Evaluator Accused of Misconduct Surrenders Psychologist License (April 14, 2022) Link  

When I wrote my complaint originally in 2016, it was an exhaustive process and I couldn't finish it. But when I was contacted by this other parent, via YELP of all places, and he connected me to ANOTHER parent who had been abused by this same recommending mediator, I was given a bit more energy to press forward to write my complaint...500 pages!!!! That is how many documentable and factual Exhibits I had proving how much she used my children and partnered with my ex-husband. It is still shocking to think how deliberate she was with her choices. I believe there were a minimum of six parents who had filed complaints against her and up to a dozen. We still don't know exactly how many of us there were. 

So don't give up hope and keep pressing forward if you find you are dealing with someone who is abusing their position of power. Some examples of this might look like the following:

1. Calls from other parent are taken on a Sunday in the evening (past close of business/after hours)

2. Your children are seen by the RM without your knowledge.

3. Your children are given information about the RM decisions before the RM discloses it to you/the parents.

4. The RM tells you that they are the law and that you must follow what they say and not what the court or the police tell you.

5. The other parents' friends or family members show up at the office of the therapist, RM, SM, or evaluator who is working on your current case and there is active conflict already.

6. The RM tells you that you cannot choose a parent/child therapist unless the RM agrees to that person.

7. The RM is unable or unwilling to provide detailed documentation of what they have been charging you for.

8. The RM signs documents with the other parent that have been changed, without your knowledge, and that you were never sent to review or talk about.

9. The RM sends you a text that is meant for the other parent and it talks about "managing" the children or that the children are starting to question the RM authority.

10. The RM texts you saying they couldn't email you back as it was a holiday week, but sent you a text that was meant for the other parent the night before the holiday (same week).

11. The RM charges you for filing documents that the other parent says they took to the courthouse and filed.

12. The RM denegrades you in front of your children with the other parent present.

13. The RM violates the court order, violates the court order in front of the children, violates the court order using the children, or tells the children in front of both parents that what she is doing isn't violating the court order (court orders are not suppose to be discussed in front of the children).

14. The RM shows up at your court hearing, without you telling them when your hearing was or which room it was in, and complains about you to the judge about fees you haven't paid, and even though there is a clear client/RM conflict, the court allows the RM to remain on the case (this is when you realize that the court is participating/contributing in/to the abuse of power).

15. The RM calls CPS as leverage to take the children away from you (when there is no reasonable criteria to call CPS).

16. The RM determines it to be appropriate to act as the child therapist instead of referring out so there is no conflict of interest.

The list goes on. Sometimes it is simply a lack of ability, but in some cases, it truly is misconduct and needs to be dealt with as soon as you can muster up the energy. I believe we have seven years to file a complaint. I thought it was only a year, but I was told it was much longer. One of the other parents took his poor child to another country because of the damage this RM caused him and his child. It is amazing how much power some of these family law-related people have in our lives once we open the divorce door and let them take over our custody decisions.

One co-parenting therapist we had was considered to be one of the best and she had a really hard time sticking to her boundaries with my ex and containing a safe and therapeutic environment in her office (lack of ability). I ended up telling her that if she didn't think she could maintain a safe space for everyone involved, that I needed her to refer us to someone who could. That is when we ended up with a Special Master. Oh the stories!! I do believe thought that she tried, but it was hard to keep up with my ex's confusion tactics. He was really good at it! I just wish he used those smarts for better purposes.

With all this said, there are forms that detail rules of conduct for each worker. The Special Master and Recommending Mediator both have such detailed rules of conduct. I believe that California has since stopped using RM's, but don't quote me on that. Fact check me. The rules of conduct still should be out there on the web though. Google it and let me know. If you have concerns about what your therapist, RM, SM, mediator, or evaluator is doing or not doing, try to look up some of these rules of conduct for each title and see what you find. Set up an initial meeting, which you should not be charged for when discussing your concerns about conduct or fees, and make sure to have the rules of conduct codes written down and clearly state how they have been violated/over stepped. An ethical and professional worker will go over your concerns with you and figure out a solution. Someone who is abusing their position of power will get angry, refuse to discuss it, try to charge you, not let you get a word in, blameshift, and the like to escape admitting any wrongdoing.

Your job is to start the resolution process with your RM or mediator or therapist (whomever you are working with) and document it just in case you need to file a complaint down the road. Unfortunately this is just a reality we have to deal with. The same issue comes up with attorneys, but gosh they sure are difficult to deal with once they mess up, lol!! Stay focused, stay positive, stay hopeful, and surround yourself with people who can be encouraging and uplifting.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10, 12 "Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to him that is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up. Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken."

Proverbs 11:14 "Where there is no guidance the people fall, But in abundance of counselors there is victory."

2 Timothy 1:7 "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love, and of a sound mind."

Joyfully for God's glory,

Ashley

A Sobering Look at Family Law Court Practices

 In 2019, I was contacted by another parent who was filing a complaint against the recommending mediator I had used. He shared shocking information with me about his case and encouraged me to file a complaint against the recommending mediator. More on that in another post.

After talking for some time, he asked if I had heard of and watched the documentary called Divorce Corp, a documentary that (taken from the video details itself) "uncovers how children are torn from their homes, unlicensed custody evaluators extort money, and abusive judges play god with people’s lives while enriching their friends. This explosive documentary reveals the family courts as unregulated, extra-constitutional fiefdoms. Rather than assist victims of domestic crimes, these courts often precipitate them. And rather than help parents and children move on, as they are mandated to do, these courts - and their associates - drag out cases for years, sometimes decades, ultimately resulting in a rash of social ills, including home foreclosure, bankruptcy, suicide and violence. Solutions to the crisis are sought out in countries where divorce is handled in a more holistic manner." (see link to watch documentary below)

I had never seen or heard of this documentary and it had already been 10 years since my case started. I went ahead and watched it with my husband and we were horrified! I was heartbroken for my children and for so many other children who have been used by these people in power. If more parents could see this when they were considering filing for divorce, I wondered if it would make a difference on how they approached the divorce itself. You can imagine how difficult it is for children who are used in this abusive and manipulative manner to feel whole and healthy, much less be able to function well and make positive choices as they are trying to grapple with the basics of growing up through childhood. It is absolutely devastating to consider!!

So here is my plea. If you or someone you know is considering divorce, please have them watch this documentary. We actually paid the $4.00 to buy it, but I'm sure it is either free or nominal to rent. I am including the link here. I would be interested in hearing what others think about the documentary and if it would make a difference on your choices for filing for divorce or fighting for custody within the family law system.

Folks, our children are worth so much more! If there is any way to keep them out of this system, let's try to work together to make this happen. If you want help and I can provide some support or prayer, please reach out. As adults, we can do better for our children, especially when seemingly qualified people in power positions are making money off of us and our kids while we are overstressed, overwhelmed, and depleted of time, resources and finances.

I am praying for resolutions, healing, miracles, restoration, redemption, and sanctification where it is applicable. May God be with all of us as we navigate these treacherous waters.

Joyfully for God's glory,

Ashley

Philippians 4:8 "Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy, meditate on these things." nkjv

Mark 9:42 "Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to sin, it is better for him if a heavy millstone is hung around his neck and he is thrown into the sea." nasb

What Forms to Fill Out When Filing for Divorce

Recently I was contacted by my pastor to help out a sister in Christ with her divorce situation. It was unfortunate that she was in the position of having to file for divorce, but she had done everything she could on her part and after years of counsel and guidance by the pastors, it was time. But she didn't have the money to hire an attorney and she didn't know where to start or what forms to file.

When she asked me how much it would cost and mentioned $500.00, I laughed and made a comment about my ex-husband never spending that much money to file for divorce with me. Boy was I surprised and saddened, again, at the lengths people go to end a marriage. I'm sure the courts have a high price tag as a deterrent, yet it has been recorded that 2,400 divorces are filed each day in the United States (see references below [1]). When I went to look it up, it was between $435-450 to file(ref [2]). That does not include copies you have to pay for or any stamps needed for sending copies.

The basic forms include

FL 100, 105, 110, 115, 120, 160(may not be needed, but it is determined by your situation), 311. You can check out the details on my reference 2 link and click on the different forms to check them out. They also have a list with details, like a cheat sheet, that might be helpful.

If you need to add a Declaration, meaning additional information that will support your case, you will likely want the MC 030 form. If you have "Exhibits", which would be like a police report, receipts, text messages, doctors notes, video on cd (yep), journal study on a particular point you are arguing for, you will include those Exhibits in your Declaration, make it succinct and clear, and then add those Exhibits after your Declaration.

If you want me to give more specifics on any of these forms, please let me know and I can put together another blog post.

Some sites have templates you can fill out online and then print. MAKE SURE TO DELETE WHAT YOU HAVE ENTERED SO IT IS REMOVED FROM THE WIFI NETWORK. This will ensure your privacy and protection, just in case you have a hacker on your hands.

Looking at all of these forms may be overwhelming. It is. I believe it is meant to be this way for a reason. Divorce isn't to be taken lightly and God isn't pro-divorce. But there are circumstances when it is necessary and Biblically sound. If you can get help filling out the forms, great. The courthouse often has a department where they have people who can assist you but they won't give you "legal" advice. There are some places that will charge a nominal fee. You can check in your area and see if that is an option. I did find an organization that charged $25, but I never ended up using them. I don't remember the name, but I can try and look them up. I often went with an attorney that offered consultation at a very discounted price and then I filled out all of the paperwork myself. When I actually had to go to court, oftentimes I had an attorney go with me because my panic attacks were bad to effectively represent myself in court. That did change with Zoom court hearings though. I found them to be much easier to represent myself. And I did the last three years of my custody battling.

I did use a prepaid legal service and I have listed two references below that you can check out (ref [3,4]). My attorney was not the best, but he won my case and I was thankful. The services are at a discounted rate, which might be helpful.

Whatever you do and whenever you are doing it, BE PRAYERFUL. 1 Thessalonians 5:17-18 reminds us to "Pray without ceasing. In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you." and Philippians 4:6 says: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God."

TRUST GOD. Proverbs 3:5-6 says: Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make straight your paths." This was my go-to scripture and continues to be when difficulties arise that are overwhelming to understand.

BE WISE. James 4:3 says: "You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions." Sometimes we want things that are not in the children's best interest, are not a part of God's plan, and might just be selfish or wrong. So pray about what you want, take it to scripture and talk to someone who knows God's word to make sure you are lining up with God before you make big decisions. 

Remember that the battle for our children and marriage(if you are hoping to remain married at some point) is not of flesh in blood, but a spiritual battle. Ephesians 6:12 says: "For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.

2 Corinthians 10:3-5 says: For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ.

1 Peter 5:8 says: Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.

The battle is real folks. If you are here and don't believe in Jesus Christ or the Bible, I was once you, so I understand. But I am here to tell you there is a spiritual battle going on, it is real, the consequences are brutal, and our children's souls are at risk. God will fight for you! He loves you and your children. He is for you not against you. His redemptive love is greater than any worldy stronghold you might have going on in your life. Don't believe worldly lies. God IS greater.

Sending everyone lost of love and prayers as you navigate this challenging season. Please reach out if you have questions or feedback. I believe all of my contact info is up to date.

Joyfully for God's glory,

Ashley

References

1. https://canterburylawgroup.com/divorce-statistics-rates/#:~:text=Facts%20About%20Divorce,that%20ends%20with%20a%20divorce.

2. https://selfhelp.courts.ca.gov/divorce-forms

3. https://www.legalshield.com/

4. https://www.araglegal.com/individuals

Why Your Calls Get Dropped

Here is a quick post😃

Have you ever found yourself calling the courthouse only to have your call not go through? I was calling the help desk repeatedly and after a number of rings, the call just dropped. When I finally got through, I was told that if there are three people already in the queue, all other calls get dropped. I was surprised that this information was not provided on the court website. It is understandable, though, that with a shortage of staffing and many of the employees working overtime to catch up, it is unrealistic to have a lot of people on hold. Three does seem a bit low though.

So if you find yourself frustrated when it is time to make your phone calls or try the live chat that is the only thing available at this time (instead of in-person meeting with a law facilitator), make sure you have something else you are able to do with your time that is productive. Here are some suggestions.

1. Keep calling until you get through with speed dial. Know the numbers you are suppose to press to make the call backs quick and effortless.

2. Have your tea/coffee/smoothie, foot/chair massager, relaxing music, fountain, etc. to have the most relaxing and calming environment for yourself.

3. Plan for something lovely when you get done, if possible. A nap, a pedicure, a healthy lunch, a drive to your favorite spot, meeting with a friend. Sandwich stressful activities with things that are de-stress ING.

4. Read through a chapter in the Psalms, Job, Ecclesiastes, or some of your favorite Bible verses. Remember we are still able to be a Proverbs 31 woman as we are the Bride of Christ.

Joyfully,

Ashley

Ashley Osier got her master's degree at John F. Kennedy University first in Somatic Psychology and finishing in Holistic Health Education. She is a certified Stress Management Practitioner and has a passion to help others decrease stress in their lives through practical applications. She has been studying various perspectives on the matter since 2009, applying these to her degrees and certifications in working with others. In 2012 Ashley started Lovenprose, an aspect of her business that focuses on loving, encouraging, protecting and serving women and children of all ages. Lovenprose is still a work in progress as she actively supports women and children in varied capacities. Ashley can be contacted for supportive services via email at: inthechildrensbestinterest@gmail.com. You can visit her business website for more information.

When Court Orders Are Violated

I have heard numerous stories of high conflict cases where it is inevitable that one parent has gotten away with not following court orders. Not only is it very common, but parents aren't the only ones who choose to break the orders of the court. High conflict custody cases can be so stressful on everyone involved, that you will find therapists, doctors, court appointed moderators, subordinate officials, and even the judge him or herself overlooking court order violations. 

You may have an ex-spouse who intentionally demands you follow the order and turn around and break it. Then, at the slightest lack of adherence to the order, threaten to drag you to court, threaten to take your child/ren, make a motion that you be penalized financially or have your custodial time reduced. When they break the court order, on the other hand, they will likely have a "legitimate" explanation and state you are being uncooperative if you try to address it. Your recommending mediator may say, "You just need to get along." Or you might have a special master who simply overlooks it. Perhaps your special master has been led to violate the court order by your ex-spouse and instead of being accountable, quickly moves on to the next "issue." If you take a violated order to the judge, she might look at you like, "you have come into my courtroom with this?" It inevitably gets turned around on you...every time.

Some of you will be nodding your head in both directions. Yep. You may be yelling out your own story as you are reading this...yep. I have heard many other notable stories. You may have heard them too. How can this possibly happen? You may be saying, "My attorney says that violating court orders needs to be taken to court." I know.  You may say, "But Ashley the law says we are to follow the law." I know. I have heard about a judge making an order and then overlooking the very violation of that order. So what are these people thinking, how do they still have a job and how can the game-playing parent still have any custody of the child/ren?  

In my research and interviews with  attorneys, therapists, special masters, mediators, recommending mediators, psychiatrists, teachers and parents and have come up with a few reasons. I have helpful links and titles of books that also talk about the following points.

1. Some ex-spouses are so "hostile, inflammatory, deceitful, and manipulative" (The High Conflict Custody Battle by Amy J.L Baker et al.), they want to undermine the other parent at all cost and are good at manipulating a system that is overworked and too exhausted to unravel the insanity.
2. Most people who are helping with family law cases are overwhelmed and unable to effectively do their job.
3. Most people who are helping with family law cases do not have enough experience and education in dealing with high conflict custody cases.
4. Some people, parents as well as family law workers, have mental health issues that get in the way of being able to reasonably do the job required.
5. People may go into a case full of energy and ability and become exhausted from the repetition of work to resolve the conflicts and become too discouraged to help and either back out or choose a side.

One story, from a psychiatrist I spoke with, was about two parents who were so committed to proving the other parent wrong that they wouldn't stop going to court. Success in therapy proved to be difficult in this situation. Attorney's fees ran high...very high. In cases like this, most family law workers simply put their hands up in the air and wait to see who is left standing. One special master had seen so many court order violations taking place, she had to focus only on the ones that were critical to maintain joint custody, which is often the goal of the family law court. One co-parenting therapist said that she didn't intervene with minor order violations because she wanted to see which parent was able to best handle the games being played without getting upset. 

I spoke with another psychiatrist who said he stepped away from working with couples in high conflict custody battles because it was so burdensome he just couldn't take it anymore. He said that the bitterness between spouses was so toxic that there was no room for considering what was in the children's best interest. The obsessive nature of getting back at an ex-spouse makes it virtually impossible to follow court orders by one or both spouses and the dense manipulative games that are played can be difficult to spot, much less unravel. It takes a tremendous amount of time and time is money. Now he only provides psychological testing for high conflict custody cases. Most of his time is now focused on protecting children who are caught in the middle of high conflict game-playing parents. I have followed some of the conferences he supports and if this movement to protect the children of game-playing parents continues, parents who use their child or children as pawns in a game of chess are going to eventually face tough consequences for their actions.

Attorneys, as another example, will make themselves available to fight to uphold the orders, but they are only able to do so much. In the courtroom, even if your attorney has presented an excellent motion or response to a motion, if the judge wants nothing to do with your case or has personal issues, the following of orders may be overlooked. Some judges fine one or both of the parties and attorneys can end up being held to pay the fine. As a result, certain attorneys will not take on cases that are high conflict in nature. One case in point is an attorney who presented an excellent response to a motion against a parent for full custody of the children. Both motion and response had multiple examples of each parent violating court orders. It was virtually impossible to know which examples were real or made up and who actually violated the orders. The person who first filed the motion attached 40 pages of exhibits, so the response ended up having 30 pages, including exhibits, plus the original motion filed with its' exhibits. Who has time for this? The judge was furious and tried to fine both parties, but it would have required the attorney to pay the fine. As a result, she was reluctant to continue bringing motions for her client to the same judge. When I have considered what attorneys have to sift through, with all the emails and copies of texts we have today, it can be a legal nightmare to untangle well enough to make a clear and sound motion or response to a judge.

So with all of this said, are YOU following the court orders or are you the game-playing parent? One of the psychiatrists I spoke with said that even if one parent is undermining the other parent with games and successful manipulation of family court workers, the job of the other parent is to be able to walk away with the skin on their back and a close second would be to have the relationships with their kids still intact. Are you focusing on your relationship with your child or the other parent? Maybe this is what they want. Some parents are psychologically incapable of leaving bitterness behind or have a personality disorder that creates a domestic abuse environment. So...the rule and most important response to your game-playing spouse is... control yourself from entering into the game and using your child or children to undermine the game-playing parent. Disengage. When you disengage, the other parent has no power over you and when you do not use the children to do what is being done to you, you walk away with your integrity still intact and a possible future with your children. When the other parent violates the order, let it be unless it truly endangering the children. Keep your nose clean and your heart spotless. The other parent will likely try to change the orders multiple times to create chaos (I will write a post about this later), but simply stick with what is written and try to do your best to disengage from the madness. I have a couple of books below that have been recommended and that I have found to be useful. I will provide one link that gives a few quick answers to related questions here.

If you are a Christian reading this post, there are a few scriptures that help us walk in a manner worthy of our calling. As one pastor said, "Allow the legal system to work (to the best of its ability) and pursue all paths of justice (as is within your means), but when you have done everything you can to speak truth in love, you have to trust in the Lord, be at peace with all men as best as is possible, and do not return evil for evil." Parentheses were my additions. Here are a few scriptures that have helped me as well as a couple of useful Christian books.

"Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." Romans 12:21

"If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all."                            Romans 12:18

"Learn to do good, Seek justice..." Isaiah 1:17

"Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

"But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have?" Matthew 5:44-46a

"Be angry and do not sin." Ephesians 4:26

"Do not fear for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

"And forgive us our debts, as we have forgiven our debtors." Matthew 6:12
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Christian Books
How to Overcome Evil by Jay E. Adams
This is a phenomenal book! It is a study of Romans 12:14-21 and gives practical applications in dealing with people who seek only to undermine you.

A Gospel Primer for Christians by Milton Vincent
This book is all about the Gospel. It reminds us that we were once very unlovable and can still be quite unlovable, but we have a faithful God who is full of mercy and grace for us and who has a heart for the lost. In turn, we can use the information in this book to extend mercy and grace to the game-playing parent. 

Non-Christian Books
The Batterer as Parent (2nd ed.) by Lundy Bancroft, Jay G. Silverman, Daniel Ritchie
This book was recommended to me by a therapist who has extensive experience with high conflict custody cases and has worked as an individual therapist, co-therapist, special master, evaluator and mediator. It summarizes characteristics of parents who perpetuate a domestic abuse environment and goes into detail about the impact these parents have in the home, the other parent, and the children. The section about community response will give you insight to the role an evaluator, family court and therapists play in looking at and responding to a domestic abuse environment. However, you may not actually find anyone who has actually read this book or who applies the information in this book. It is, though, an excellent resource when dealing with such people. FYI

Breakthrough Parenting by Jayne A. Major
Though I have found this book to be ineffective in some high conflict custody cases, it is useful in many others. If your child or children are successfully manipulated by the other parent and you do not have a family law advocate for yourself, the practice of the principles in the book are not very effective. Pretty much anything you do will be seen in a negative light. However, each situation is a little different, so don't lose hope. The section on teaching responsibility, communicating effectively, reducing stress in your family, and resolving family conflicts, are just a few good chapters. Keep trying, learning and growing as a parent and individual. You will be better as they get older and when they are older you will reap the rewards for all of your hard work.
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My prayers go out to all who are being impacted by high conflict custody cases. It truly is a bloody war and no one is a winner. The kids lose the most, at least one parent is scarred and the game-playing parent has lost all integrity and honor. The family law system gets a bad rap, mediators and therapists get bad Yelp reviews, and evaluators and judges have to live with making bad decisions. I don't know who is in the better position. But I imagine the one who has the biggest heart and highest intentions for all involved and works to make choices based in integrity and love for what is in the children's best interests is likely moving in the right direction.

Joyfully,

Ashley

Ashley Osier got her master's degree at John F. Kennedy University first in Somatic Psychology and finishing in Holistic Health Education. She is a certified Stress Management Practitioner and has a passion to help others decrease stress in their lives through practical applications. She has been studying various perspectives on the matter since 2009, applying these to her degrees and certifications in working with others. In 2012 Ashley started Lovenprose, an aspect of her business that focuses on loving, encouraging, protecting and serving women and children of all ages. Lovenprose is still a work in progress as she actively supports women and children in varied capacities. Ashley can be contacted for supportive services via email at: inthechildrensbestinterest@gmail.com. You can visit her business website for more information.

Attorneys As Consultants vs. Representation

There were many times when I did not have the money to hire an attorney to represent me and times the attorney I preferred was not available to represent me. So what does one do in a situation like this? Often times attorneys will make themselves available for consultation. That means that you don't contract them out to represent you, requiring a retainer and written agreement. But rather you are able to contact them with questions for consultation and they will charge you their hourly rate. This is an excellent option for people who don't have the funds and/or who feel confident in representing themselves and who have the time to do all the legwork to complete paperwork and filing. 

I highly recommend speaking with a number of attorneys before choosing one. You can Yelp attorneys and look up on Google for reviews as well as asking others who may have referrals. The courthouse does offer a list of referrals, though this list is not always up to date and is not based upon positive reviews. If you go on Yelp, make sure you read through the reviews so you know why people are giving positive or negative input. If someone gives you a referral that is not in your area, you can still contact them and see if they know of someone they would refer in your area. Many attorneys know other attorneys and would be happy to give out the contact if you are not located in his or her area. Take your time and try not to rush. Have a couple of attorneys you can consult with just in case one is not available. 

If you are putting together your own forms, make sure that you send your draft to the attorney to verify accuracy and that everything is in order to file with the court. If you have a judge who has preferences, such as type of font, size of font, spacing requirements and number of pages, make sure you know these details in advance or ask the attorney if he or she knows these details. Putting your own forms together is not difficult in many cases, but if you are having a difficult time, paying the attorney to draft the writing portion of your document may be beneficial in the long run. Sometimes people will write out what they think should be in the document and then send it to the attorney to be proofread and modified as needed. To see some of the legal forms available go to forms.

Now if you are dealing with a very difficult situation, you may fair better with hiring an attorney. But this is not always the case. Consider your options and weigh them carefully. If you are a praying woman, pray for God's leading and for giving you wisdom in making the right decision. Try not to walk in fear. If you have an ex-spouse who regularly uses scare tactics or bullies you, seek out ways to relax, stay present and focused on the task at hand, and know that even if the situation gets rough, God will get you and your children through. Here are a few scriptures that have helped me with fear:

Deuteronomy 31:6   
Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the LORD your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you.


Isaiah 41:10
Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Philippians 4:6-7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

For more scriptures on fear, go to no more fear

Praying for you!
Ashley

Ashley Osier got her master's degree at John F. Kennedy University first in Somatic Psychology and finishing in Holistic Health Education. She is a certified Stress Management Practitioner and has a passion to help others decrease stress in their lives through practical applications. She has been studying various perspectives on the matter since 2009, applying these to her degrees and certifications in working with others. In 2012 Ashley started Lovenprose, an aspect of her business that focuses on loving, encouraging, protecting and serving women and children of all ages. Lovenprose is still a work in progress as she actively supports women and children in varied capacities. Ashley can be contacted for supportive services via email at: inthechildrensbestinterest@gmail.com. You can visit her business website for more information.

De-Escalating Family Law Stress

De-Escalating Family Law Stress

by 

Ashley Osier

It is likely that you are overwhelmed by your circumstances. This is a perfectly normal response because your circumstances are not normal. Your once intact marriage and family has been dismantled from under you and you are dealing with an ex who only has bad intentions for you and is willing to risk the children's wellbeing to take you down. You are in a legal system that is incredibly imperfect and you want nothing to do with any of it. None of this is good news, but you will get through this season even if it is a long one. So my list is short today. I have woven stress management solutions throughout and have a few others at the end with links to additional resources. Take heed, take action and take care. I am praying for all women and children having to go through these circumstances. May God bless and protect you and your children.

1. Your documents may not be complete. 
Though I don't want to add more stress to an already stressful situation, no matter how much you study, you will likely not have a perfectly drafted motion or response. And even if you are represented, documents will still be imperfect. I have seen numerous attorneys with typos in their documents. There was one that even had the wrong case number on it. Another attorney had to use white out at court because he entered in the incorrect information. I can't tell you how many attorneys I have seen in court that didn't have the correct information, who forgot important documents, and who had more excuses than the person they were representing.

STRESS SOLUTIONS? Try not to stress. If you have an attorney, even the ones that charge a lot ($400 or more per hour) draft incomplete documents. One woman told me that she had to redo the response because her attorney's response was incomplete. She would stay up till 3am sometimes drafting her documents because her attorney was so incompetent in this area. But he was very good once inside the courtroom. Every situation is different and some people have more time or do better with the legal arena than others. Know your limitations and your strengths. If you do not have an attorney and want to do it yourself, try to get help at your local courthouse. They do offer assistance though it is often time consuming. But don't let it stop you. There are sites online that will give you examples and sometimes even templates to fill out online and print like family law forms. You can also hire an attorney to consult with instead of having them represent you. Many judges can be understanding in this area.

2. Motions and responses should be filed within one week prior to your court hearing. 
Some judges will not look at your document unless they have plenty of time to read it. This can be frustrating especially if you have an ex-husband who files the day prior to your hearing and gets his motions and responses read by the judge...every time. Just don't let this be you. Keep your track record clean even if the judge does not acknowledge your efforts.

STRESS SOLUTIONS? 
If you have an attorney, don't always expect them to file in time. If it is important to you that the judge read your motion or response, make sure your attorney files it 7-10 days prior to your hearing. If they don't file it in time and the judge doesn't read your document, you should not be charged for the drafting of that document. If you are drafting your own documents and want more information on how to file certain documents in the Family Law Court system, click on self help. Make sure you keep a calendar of when documents need to be filed and block out the time needed to be at the courthouse to file these documents. SIDE NOTE...Also make sure to have enough coins for the parking and in case you need to make copies at the courthouse!!

3. Your ex-spouse can file as many motions with the court as they like.
    As many as he can file? Unfortunately, yes. The court has to consider each motion that is filed unless it is completely frivolous. It is just the way it works. I have seen ex-husbands repeatedly file motions specifically on birthdays, Mother's Day, every other holiday, and any other event that would make it stressful for the mother (like when they find out you are getting married or are having a baby). I heard another story where an ex-wife (don't let this be you!) filed over 300 motions in one year and the courts would not recognize it as harassment. On the other hand, you can get a law firm like farad law who say they can stop the harassment based upon specific laws. I have not heard one story where a mother was able to stop such harassment, but I have spoken with fathers who have been successful with documenting every detail and presenting it in court in a way that brings success.

STRESS SOLUTIONS? Breathe and hang in there! If the stress seems more than you can handle, pray, get enough sleep, eat healthy, reach out to someone who can help you, stay informed, and keep focusing on building wonderful memories with your children. Check your heart and your motives so that you are not filing motions or responding out of bitterness. Read all filed motions if you don't have an attorney and respond to all filed motions in the time required. If it is an Ex Parte (an emergency motion), you will have less time to respond and file. A trusted friend or family member can help you read through some of the motions if reading them and responding is too stressful. If you don't respond, your ex-husband may have more credibility when asking the judge to rule in his favor. If you are able to, list out every motion your ex-husband files so that you can see exactly what is going on and refer to it if needed.

4. Your Judge can have quirks you will want to know so you don't get off on the wrong foot.
Not all judges are impartial. Actually, many of them are too burned out by having to read through the sea of documents filed. I can't imagine that it is even possible to be an effective judge, but someone has to do it. In light of this, know that every judge is just a person who may be affected by lack of sleep, poor nutrition, personal stress, job stress and individual bias. Their quirks are personal preferences or issues that affect their ability to make a decision, to effectively listen, or to simply be present at your hearing. Some of these include: clicking your pen, rolling your fingers on the table, smacking your gum, shifting back and forth in your chair, wearing perfume or cologne, sighing,  dressing a certain way, or seeing you in his or her courtroom too often. Some of these can be annoying to a judge and will end up working against you. Most judges do not tolerate angry and emotional outbursts. One judge got so upset over the font not being set at 12 and the document not being double spaced that he wanted to slap a monetary fine.

STRESS SOLUTIONS?
Sometimes you can find reviews on your particular judge. I highly recommend you look him or her up and also ask your attorney to let you know. Don't get angry or have outbursts in their court. Stay cool even if the judge makes a really bad decision. If you are representing yourself you can ask the judge, respectfully, if you can ask a question or clarify what he or she has said. For example, one judge rashly made a decision and the spouse that was self-represented asked a question that made the judge rethink his decision. The result was the less of two evils, but it made a difference. One attorney told me that a judge fined a litigant because they were clicking their pen. So if you have a nervous habit, make it a silent one.


MORE STRESS MANAGEMENT SOLUTIONS:
1. Make sure you are getting enough sleep, nutritious food, and spiritual refreshment. If you usually exercise, make sure to try and do something active. It will boost your serotonin, which will help with depression. If you go to church, this is not a time to stop. Make sure you are getting your mid-week Bible study in and connecting with others who can pray for you, your children, your ex-husband and the Family Law court system. Pray without ceasing!

2.  Stay focused on enjoying your time with your child or children. Don't let the stress of what your ex-husband is doing take away any wonderful memories you can make with your child or your children. This will be super important for the future. Take lots of photos, make collages of you and your kiddos and if you have a smart phone, you can make a video and upload it to your computer. The courthouse will have a parenting packet that has good information on do's and don'ts for parents going through divorce and custody. Post it somewhere or take a photo of it to remind yourself each day to stay in solutions that are helpful.

3. If you can afford a good attorney, I recommend it. Though it is difficult to find an attorney who is capable of handling a high conflict divorce and custody case, there are a few out there. You may need to try a few, but don't get discouraged! Do your best with what you have and are able to do. Sometimes your local courthouse will have a list and you can also look at reviews on Yelp, Google or interview them yourself.

4. For moms who are dealing with a system that is failing your child or children to the point of perpetuating domestic violence, parental alienation syndrome or other abuse, make sure to contact a Family Law attorney who fully understands and has experience in this area. You may consider getting an online certification in domestic abuse so you can be better informed. One link is family violence tutorials. Another is domestic abuse class. Your local Department of Social Services should have information about mental and physical abuse and neglect. Parental Alienation Syndrome (PA and PAS) is an issue that is growing in awareness with Amy Baker, author of The High Conflict Custody Battle being an outspoken advocate. You can get more information about her and this growing issue at pas.

5. If you mess up, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and try again! If your ex-husband truly wants you to fail, he will want you to feel guilty and insecure. Remember that everyone makes mistakes and you are learning with everyone else. Tomorrow is a new day. Take 20 minutes to be down. Set a timer and when it goes off, surround yourself with positivity and hope. Write yourself notes of hope. Eat really healthy. Take a walk. Sing, dance, clean your house. If you read scripture, read through the Psalms. Remember that God's mercies are new every day and that He will not bring you to anything He cannot get you through.


Warmly,
Ashley

Ashley Osier got her master's degree at John F. Kennedy University first in Somatic Psychology and finishing in Holistic Health Education. She is a certified Stress Management Practitioner and has a passion to help others decrease stress in their lives through practical applications. She has been studying various perspectives on the matter since 2009, applying these to her degrees and certifications in working with others. In 2012 Ashley started Lovenprose, an aspect of her business that focuses on loving, encouraging, protecting and serving women and children of all ages. Lovenprose is still a work in progress as she actively supports women and children in varied capacities. Ashley can be contacted for supportive services via email at: ewsomatherapy@gmail.com.