De-Escalating Family Law Stress
by
Ashley Osier
It is likely that you are overwhelmed by your circumstances. This is a perfectly normal response because your circumstances are not normal. Your once intact marriage and family has been dismantled from under you and you are dealing with an ex who only has bad intentions for you and is willing to risk the children's wellbeing to take you down. You are in a legal system that is incredibly imperfect and you want nothing to do with any of it. None of this is good news, but you will get through this season even if it is a long one. So my list is short today. I have woven stress management solutions throughout and have a few others at the end with links to additional resources. Take heed, take action and take care. I am praying for all women and children having to go through these circumstances. May God bless and protect you and your children.
1. Your documents may not be complete.
Though I don't want to add more stress to an already stressful situation, no matter how much you study, you will likely not have a perfectly drafted motion or response. And even if you are represented, documents will still be imperfect. I have seen numerous attorneys with typos in their documents. There was one that even had the wrong case number on it. Another attorney had to use white out at court because he entered in the incorrect information. I can't tell you how many attorneys I have seen in court that didn't have the correct information, who forgot important documents, and who had more excuses than the person they were representing.
STRESS SOLUTIONS? Try not to stress. If you have an attorney, even the ones that charge a lot ($400 or more per hour) draft incomplete documents. One woman told me that she had to redo the response because her attorney's response was incomplete. She would stay up till 3am sometimes drafting her documents because her attorney was so incompetent in this area. But he was very good once inside the courtroom. Every situation is different and some people have more time or do better with the legal arena than others. Know your limitations and your strengths. If you do not have an attorney and want to do it yourself, try to get help at your local courthouse. They do offer assistance though it is often time consuming. But don't let it stop you. There are sites online that will give you examples and sometimes even templates to fill out online and print like family law forms. You can also hire an attorney to consult with instead of having them represent you. Many judges can be understanding in this area.
2. Motions and responses should be filed within one week prior to your court hearing.
Some judges will not look at your document unless they have plenty of time to read it. This can be frustrating especially if you have an ex-husband who files the day prior to your hearing and gets his motions and responses read by the judge...every time. Just don't let this be you. Keep your track record clean even if the judge does not acknowledge your efforts.
STRESS SOLUTIONS?
If you have an attorney, don't always expect them to file in time. If it is important to you that the judge read your motion or response, make sure your attorney files it 7-10 days prior to your hearing. If they don't file it in time and the judge doesn't read your document, you should not be charged for the drafting of that document. If you are drafting your own documents and want more information on how to file certain documents in the Family Law Court system, click on self help. Make sure you keep a calendar of when documents need to be filed and block out the time needed to be at the courthouse to file these documents. SIDE NOTE...Also make sure to have enough coins for the parking and in case you need to make copies at the courthouse!!
3. Your ex-spouse can file as many motions with the court as they like.
As many as he can file? Unfortunately, yes. The court has to consider each motion that is filed unless it is completely frivolous. It is just the way it works. I have seen ex-husbands repeatedly file motions specifically on birthdays, Mother's Day, every other holiday, and any other event that would make it stressful for the mother (like when they find out you are getting married or are having a baby). I heard another story where an ex-wife (don't let this be you!) filed over 300 motions in one year and the courts would not recognize it as harassment. On the other hand, you can get a law firm like farad law who say they can stop the harassment based upon specific laws. I have not heard one story where a mother was able to stop such harassment, but I have spoken with fathers who have been successful with documenting every detail and presenting it in court in a way that brings success.
STRESS SOLUTIONS? Breathe and hang in there! If the stress seems more than you can handle, pray, get enough sleep, eat healthy, reach out to someone who can help you, stay informed, and keep focusing on building wonderful memories with your children. Check your heart and your motives so that you are not filing motions or responding out of bitterness. Read all filed motions if you don't have an attorney and respond to all filed motions in the time required. If it is an Ex Parte (an emergency motion), you will have less time to respond and file. A trusted friend or family member can help you read through some of the motions if reading them and responding is too stressful. If you don't respond, your ex-husband may have more credibility when asking the judge to rule in his favor. If you are able to, list out every motion your ex-husband files so that you can see exactly what is going on and refer to it if needed.
4. Your Judge can have quirks you will want to know so you don't get off on the wrong foot.
Not all judges are impartial. Actually, many of them are too burned out by having to read through the sea of documents filed. I can't imagine that it is even possible to be an effective judge, but someone has to do it. In light of this, know that every judge is just a person who may be affected by lack of sleep, poor nutrition, personal stress, job stress and individual bias. Their quirks are personal preferences or issues that affect their ability to make a decision, to effectively listen, or to simply be present at your hearing. Some of these include: clicking your pen, rolling your fingers on the table, smacking your gum, shifting back and forth in your chair, wearing perfume or cologne, sighing, dressing a certain way, or seeing you in his or her courtroom too often. Some of these can be annoying to a judge and will end up working against you. Most judges do not tolerate angry and emotional outbursts. One judge got so upset over the font not being set at 12 and the document not being double spaced that he wanted to slap a monetary fine.
STRESS SOLUTIONS?
Sometimes you can find reviews on your particular judge. I highly recommend you look him or her up and also ask your attorney to let you know. Don't get angry or have outbursts in their court. Stay cool even if the judge makes a really bad decision. If you are representing yourself you can ask the judge, respectfully, if you can ask a question or clarify what he or she has said. For example, one judge rashly made a decision and the spouse that was self-represented asked a question that made the judge rethink his decision. The result was the less of two evils, but it made a difference. One attorney told me that a judge fined a litigant because they were clicking their pen. So if you have a nervous habit, make it a silent one.
MORE STRESS MANAGEMENT SOLUTIONS:
1. Make sure you are getting enough sleep, nutritious food, and spiritual refreshment. If you usually exercise, make sure to try and do something active. It will boost your serotonin, which will help with depression. If you go to church, this is not a time to stop. Make sure you are getting your mid-week Bible study in and connecting with others who can pray for you, your children, your ex-husband and the Family Law court system. Pray without ceasing!
2. Stay focused on enjoying your time with your child or children. Don't let the stress of what your ex-husband is doing take away any wonderful memories you can make with your child or your children. This will be super important for the future. Take lots of photos, make collages of you and your kiddos and if you have a smart phone, you can make a video and upload it to your computer. The courthouse will have a parenting packet that has good information on do's and don'ts for parents going through divorce and custody. Post it somewhere or take a photo of it to remind yourself each day to stay in solutions that are helpful.
3. If you can afford a good attorney, I recommend it. Though it is difficult to find an attorney who is capable of handling a high conflict divorce and custody case, there are a few out there. You may need to try a few, but don't get discouraged! Do your best with what you have and are able to do. Sometimes your local courthouse will have a list and you can also look at reviews on Yelp, Google or interview them yourself.
4. For moms who are dealing with a system that is failing your child or children to the point of perpetuating domestic violence, parental alienation syndrome or other abuse, make sure to contact a Family Law attorney who fully understands and has experience in this area. You may consider getting an online certification in domestic abuse so you can be better informed. One link is family violence tutorials. Another is domestic abuse class. Your local Department of Social Services should have information about mental and physical abuse and neglect. Parental Alienation Syndrome (PA and PAS) is an issue that is growing in awareness with Amy Baker, author of The High Conflict Custody Battle being an outspoken advocate. You can get more information about her and this growing issue at pas.
5. If you mess up, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and try again! If your ex-husband truly wants you to fail, he will want you to feel guilty and insecure. Remember that everyone makes mistakes and you are learning with everyone else. Tomorrow is a new day. Take 20 minutes to be down. Set a timer and when it goes off, surround yourself with positivity and hope. Write yourself notes of hope. Eat really healthy. Take a walk. Sing, dance, clean your house. If you read scripture, read through the Psalms. Remember that God's mercies are new every day and that He will not bring you to anything He cannot get you through.
Warmly,
Ashley
Ashley Osier got her master's degree at John F. Kennedy University first in Somatic Psychology and finishing in Holistic Health Education. She is a certified Stress Management Practitioner and has a passion to help others decrease stress in their lives through practical applications. She has been studying various perspectives on the matter since 2009, applying these to her degrees and certifications in working with others. In 2012 Ashley started Lovenprose, an aspect of her business that focuses on loving, encouraging, protecting and serving women and children of all ages. Lovenprose is still a work in progress as she actively supports women and children in varied capacities. Ashley can be contacted for supportive services via email at: ewsomatherapy@gmail.com.
