I have heard numerous stories of high conflict cases where it is inevitable that one parent has gotten away with not following court orders. Not only is it very common, but parents aren't the only ones who choose to break the orders of the court. High conflict custody cases can be so stressful on everyone involved, that you will find therapists, doctors, court appointed moderators, subordinate officials, and even the judge him or herself overlooking court order violations.
You may have an ex-spouse who intentionally demands you follow the order and turn around and break it. Then, at the slightest lack of adherence to the order, threaten to drag you to court, threaten to take your child/ren, make a motion that you be penalized financially or have your custodial time reduced. When they break the court order, on the other hand, they will likely have a "legitimate" explanation and state you are being uncooperative if you try to address it. Your recommending mediator may say, "You just need to get along." Or you might have a special master who simply overlooks it. Perhaps your special master has been led to violate the court order by your ex-spouse and instead of being accountable, quickly moves on to the next "issue." If you take a violated order to the judge, she might look at you like, "you have come into my courtroom with this?" It inevitably gets turned around on you...every time.
Some of you will be nodding your head in both directions. Yep. You may be yelling out your own story as you are reading this...yep. I have heard many other notable stories. You may have heard them too. How can this possibly happen? You may be saying, "My attorney says that violating court orders needs to be taken to court." I know. You may say, "But Ashley the law says we are to follow the law." I know. I have heard about a judge making an order and then overlooking the very violation of that order. So what are these people thinking, how do they still have a job and how can the game-playing parent still have any custody of the child/ren?
In my research and interviews with attorneys, therapists, special masters, mediators, recommending mediators, psychiatrists, teachers and parents and have come up with a few reasons. I have helpful links and titles of books that also talk about the following points.
1. Some ex-spouses are so "hostile, inflammatory, deceitful, and manipulative" (The High Conflict Custody Battle by Amy J.L Baker et al.), they want to undermine the other parent at all cost and are good at manipulating a system that is overworked and too exhausted to unravel the insanity.
2. Most people who are helping with family law cases are overwhelmed and unable to effectively do their job.
3. Most people who are helping with family law cases do not have enough experience and education in dealing with high conflict custody cases.
4. Some people, parents as well as family law workers, have mental health issues that get in the way of being able to reasonably do the job required.
5. People may go into a case full of energy and ability and become exhausted from the repetition of work to resolve the conflicts and become too discouraged to help and either back out or choose a side.
One story, from a psychiatrist I spoke with, was about two parents who were so committed to proving the other parent wrong that they wouldn't stop going to court. Success in therapy proved to be difficult in this situation. Attorney's fees ran high...very high. In cases like this, most family law workers simply put their hands up in the air and wait to see who is left standing. One special master had seen so many court order violations taking place, she had to focus only on the ones that were critical to maintain joint custody, which is often the goal of the family law court. One co-parenting therapist said that she didn't intervene with minor order violations because she wanted to see which parent was able to best handle the games being played without getting upset.
I spoke with another psychiatrist who said he stepped away from working with couples in high conflict custody battles because it was so burdensome he just couldn't take it anymore. He said that the bitterness between spouses was so toxic that there was no room for considering what was in the children's best interest. The obsessive nature of getting back at an ex-spouse makes it virtually impossible to follow court orders by one or both spouses and the dense manipulative games that are played can be difficult to spot, much less unravel. It takes a tremendous amount of time and time is money. Now he only provides psychological testing for high conflict custody cases. Most of his time is now focused on protecting children who are caught in the middle of high conflict game-playing parents. I have followed some of the conferences he supports and if this movement to protect the children of game-playing parents continues, parents who use their child or children as pawns in a game of chess are going to eventually face tough consequences for their actions.
Attorneys, as another example, will make themselves available to fight to uphold the orders, but they are only able to do so much. In the courtroom, even if your attorney has presented an excellent motion or response to a motion, if the judge wants nothing to do with your case or has personal issues, the following of orders may be overlooked. Some judges fine one or both of the parties and attorneys can end up being held to pay the fine. As a result, certain attorneys will not take on cases that are high conflict in nature. One case in point is an attorney who presented an excellent response to a motion against a parent for full custody of the children. Both motion and response had multiple examples of each parent violating court orders. It was virtually impossible to know which examples were real or made up and who actually violated the orders. The person who first filed the motion attached 40 pages of exhibits, so the response ended up having 30 pages, including exhibits, plus the original motion filed with its' exhibits. Who has time for this? The judge was furious and tried to fine both parties, but it would have required the attorney to pay the fine. As a result, she was reluctant to continue bringing motions for her client to the same judge. When I have considered what attorneys have to sift through, with all the emails and copies of texts we have today, it can be a legal nightmare to untangle well enough to make a clear and sound motion or response to a judge.
So with all of this said, are YOU following the court orders or are you the game-playing parent? One of the psychiatrists I spoke with said that even if one parent is undermining the other parent with games and successful manipulation of family court workers, the job of the other parent is to be able to walk away with the skin on their back and a close second would be to have the relationships with their kids still intact. Are you focusing on your relationship with your child or the other parent? Maybe this is what they want. Some parents are psychologically incapable of leaving bitterness behind or have a personality disorder that creates a domestic abuse environment. So...the rule and most important response to your game-playing spouse is... control yourself from entering into the game and using your child or children to undermine the game-playing parent. Disengage. When you disengage, the other parent has no power over you and when you do not use the children to do what is being done to you, you walk away with your integrity still intact and a possible future with your children. When the other parent violates the order, let it be unless it truly endangering the children. Keep your nose clean and your heart spotless. The other parent will likely try to change the orders multiple times to create chaos (I will write a post about this later), but simply stick with what is written and try to do your best to disengage from the madness. I have a couple of books below that have been recommended and that I have found to be useful. I will provide one link that gives a few quick answers to related questions here.
If you are a Christian reading this post, there are a few scriptures that help us walk in a manner worthy of our calling. As one pastor said, "Allow the legal system to work (to the best of its ability) and pursue all paths of justice (as is within your means), but when you have done everything you can to speak truth in love, you have to trust in the Lord, be at peace with all men as best as is possible, and do not return evil for evil." Parentheses were my additions. Here are a few scriptures that have helped me as well as a couple of useful Christian books.
"Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." Romans 12:21
"If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all." Romans 12:18
"Learn to do good, Seek justice..." Isaiah 1:17
"Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6
"But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have?" Matthew 5:44-46a
"Be angry and do not sin." Ephesians 4:26
"Do not fear for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10
"And forgive us our debts, as we have forgiven our debtors." Matthew 6:12
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Christian Books
How to Overcome Evil by Jay E. Adams
This is a phenomenal book! It is a study of Romans 12:14-21 and gives practical applications in dealing with people who seek only to undermine you.
A Gospel Primer for Christians by Milton Vincent
This book is all about the Gospel. It reminds us that we were once very unlovable and can still be quite unlovable, but we have a faithful God who is full of mercy and grace for us and who has a heart for the lost. In turn, we can use the information in this book to extend mercy and grace to the game-playing parent.
Non-Christian Books
The Batterer as Parent (2nd ed.) by Lundy Bancroft, Jay G. Silverman, Daniel Ritchie
This book was recommended to me by a therapist who has extensive experience with high conflict custody cases and has worked as an individual therapist, co-therapist, special master, evaluator and mediator. It summarizes characteristics of parents who perpetuate a domestic abuse environment and goes into detail about the impact these parents have in the home, the other parent, and the children. The section about community response will give you insight to the role an evaluator, family court and therapists play in looking at and responding to a domestic abuse environment. However, you may not actually find anyone who has actually read this book or who applies the information in this book. It is, though, an excellent resource when dealing with such people. FYI
Breakthrough Parenting by Jayne A. Major
Though I have found this book to be ineffective in some high conflict custody cases, it is useful in many others. If your child or children are successfully manipulated by the other parent and you do not have a family law advocate for yourself, the practice of the principles in the book are not very effective. Pretty much anything you do will be seen in a negative light. However, each situation is a little different, so don't lose hope. The section on teaching responsibility, communicating effectively, reducing stress in your family, and resolving family conflicts, are just a few good chapters. Keep trying, learning and growing as a parent and individual. You will be better as they get older and when they are older you will reap the rewards for all of your hard work.
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My prayers go out to all who are being impacted by high conflict custody cases. It truly is a bloody war and no one is a winner. The kids lose the most, at least one parent is scarred and the game-playing parent has lost all integrity and honor. The family law system gets a bad rap, mediators and therapists get bad Yelp reviews, and evaluators and judges have to live with making bad decisions. I don't know who is in the better position. But I imagine the one who has the biggest heart and highest intentions for all involved and works to make choices based in integrity and love for what is in the children's best interests is likely moving in the right direction.
Joyfully,
Ashley
Ashley Osier got her master's degree at John F. Kennedy University first in Somatic Psychology and finishing in Holistic Health Education. She is a certified Stress Management Practitioner and has a passion to help others decrease stress in their lives through practical applications. She has been studying various perspectives on the matter since 2009, applying these to her degrees and certifications in working with others. In 2012 Ashley started Lovenprose, an aspect of her business that focuses on loving, encouraging, protecting and serving women and children of all ages. Lovenprose is still a work in progress as she actively supports women and children in varied capacities. Ashley can be contacted for supportive services via email at: inthechildrensbestinterest@gmail.com. You can visit her business website for more information.
